What's your take on the news that Boehmer is renting an apartment from an influential Washington lobbyist?

(Signed) Joy at Shades of Blue

Dear Shady Lady,

What a cozy arrangement. If the plumbing breaks, the Congressman knows it will be fixed pronto. If he's a bit late in making a payment,no sweat. New paint and refurbishing needed? "Why, certainly, Congressman, what color?" Hopefully, the lobby-leasor provides dog sitting, flower watering, and a stocked bar as part of the rental package.

As you know, I'm wintering here at Branson where I sleep under Andy William's bed. In exchange, I do what he asks of me at the theater. I feel it's my moral obligation to be faithful to my provider. As my grandshire used to say, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." I assume that Mr. Boehmer adheres to the same high ethical standards that I do.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

I know that a pooch of your wit and charm must have many suitors. What do you look for in a mate?

(Signed) Janette Musgrove

Dear Jan:

A cold nose and a warm heart are essential. If he arrives bearing a sack of rawhide chips, all the better.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog:

Give me your take on the new House Majority Floor Leader John Boehner--that name's French, isn't it?

(Signed) Kenneth W. Boyce

Dear Kenny Boy:

Yes, Frenchy did a number on Bro. Blunt, the political whiz kid. But as runner up, Roy B. got the Mr. Congeniality award--majority whip. C'est la vie, as Boehner would say.

Frankly, if you shook 'em up in a gunny sack and rolled 'em out on the ground, there wouldn't be a dime's worth of difference in the two of 'em. Blunt once tried to hide a favorable plum for the tobacco companies in a House bill and Boehner is known to have handed out tobacco lobbyist checks on the floor of the House when they were considering a bill to end a tobacco subsidy.

The Rs wanted to make a show of throwing the rascals out without actually doing anything too drastic. As it turned out, Blunt was too Delay-ish, Shadegg wasn't Delay-ish enough, but Boehner...well, he was jusssst right.

As my poodle friend, La Rue, would say, "Laissez les bon temps roulez?"

(Signed) Yours in the work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

Some of our elected representatives that we sent to Washington have taken what Roy Temple calls "kinky money" --you know, from the guy who made a fortune with a porn hot line. What do you think we should do about that?

(Signed) H. Morehouse

Dear Atch,

"Lord, have mercy," as my grandsire used to say. "What has this world come to?"

Everybody around these parts is pretty upset with what our good Republican, family-values boys are doing. We sent 'em off to the Capitol City to straighten things out and the next thing you know they're cozing up to money launders, porn purveyors, and them lady lobbyists with the glossy, red lips.

I say the whole passel of them needs a good whippin' come November. Let's bring 'em home where we can get some religion back into 'em. Then we can send somebody to Washington that so busy working for the people, they won't have time for mischief makin'.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

My sources tell me that you were seen with a stunning Norwegian Elkhound named Oslo. Is there any truth to the rumor that you were swept off your paws by this Scandanavian charmer?

(Signed) Patricia Blakston

Dear Trish,

I met Oslo at a frisby throw last fall. He was a large, sable-colored show dog wearing a stunning Versace collar. It was love at first whiff. He promised me a 40" L.L. Bean dogbed with a fleece-top and monograming if I would only accompany him to Norway.

But I just couldn't leave Roy and Jean to manage this site without me. So we shared a liver biscotti and a Mojito at the airport before he departed. It was so...so very Casablanca.

(Signed) Your lovelorn friend, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

I am sponsoring a 5K race and would love to have you come kick it off for us. What are my chances?

(Signed) Angel

Dear Angelic One,

Let me set the record straight...I do not attend, participate, or sponsor any event that causes excessive panting or sore limbs. So count me out. I am a cozy-fireplace-kinda pooch. Let me know when you have a barbecue.

I have spent the last week lounging in front of the TV with my winter companion, Killer, a passive Doberman Pincher, who is watching the Alito hearing with me. Killer does not have the same political acumen as I, so he was terribly bored. (He drools when he's bored, which is terribly annoying to one of my breed.)

For those worried that Judge Alito might overturn Roe v. Wade, be not concerned. To the conservative Republicans, Roe is a juicy bone to be gnawed upon, preserved fondly, and re-gnawed in every fundrai$ing letter they send. Why would they part with so great a political treasure?

(Signed) Yours in the quest for freedom, Yellow Dog

P.S. So your name is Angel? What a lovely name. I once knew a pit bull named Angel. Are you any kin?

Dear Yellow,

What can you do to prevent the R's from electing Roy Blunt to replace Tom DeLay?

(Signed) Donn Rockford

Dear Rocky,

Why is it I must strategize for the entire Democratic party from my humble domicile here in the Ozarks? Is there no one in the party with my perspicacity? I suppose not.

Let's just hope that Blunt does replaces Delay. The hounds are strong on his scent already. My companion, Killer, has just started a website and is taking bets on just how long Blunt would remain in office, if elected.

Barney, (my White House insider), tells me that the rave bumper sticker on Capitol Hill and K Street reads: "Elect the Other Crook."

Let's all keep our paws crossed.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

How long should we stay in Iraq?

(Signed) John Q. Public--not my real name

Dear Jake (or whoever you are)

Rummy asked me that same question when he stopped by to pick up some recorded data from the Black Helicopter Brigade, the top secret homeland security unit based here in the Ozarks. (I know their exact location, but my lips are muzzled.)

I told him I didn't have a dog in this fight and suggested that he find a fresh international foe. I'm tired of this one. Leave Iraq--like we did Afganistan--and move on to greener pastures, I said. Maybe Iran or Syria. Or a gig in Africa.

What the hell ever happened to the guy with the turban and the machine gun who used to send us little notes from time to time. Can't remember his name. I think it starts with an "O". We could go back to looking for him.

Alas, as the Prez sez: "Nation building is hard work."

Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

What do you think of the latest scandal. I call it, "Snoopgate." Don't people have a right to privacy anymore?

(Signed) Marlo Anne Matson

Dear M&M,

As a canine, I am for free and unrestrained sniffin' and snoopin'. How dull life would be if I couldn't engage in such au natural pleasantries free from over zealous judges and their pesky warrants.

What is it with you humans always needing privacy? In the bedroom ...bath...on the phone and computer. You even want your library, medical, financial, and phone records snoop proof. Well, get over it. It ain't gonna happen.

I have talked with the President about this matter and we are in complete accord. He looked me in the eye, patted me on the head and said, "Too much privacy breeds terrorism"--whatever the hell that means.

Then he gave me a meaty soup bone and a bottle of Scuppernong and told me to spread the word. So there, you have it: privacy's bad; prying's good. I've done my patriotic duty.

Semper fidelis, Yellow Dog

Hi there, Yell:

What are you doing for the Holidays? Do you have a tree? Doing any traveling? What's you favorite holiday food treat?

(Signed) Shelby Newsom

Dear Shelly:

I love peanut brittle. It has a bone-like crunch and is perfect when served with my delicious Alpo-artichoke dip, which I shall do when entertaining the kennel club next week.

While I enjoy the aromatherapy provided by a live tree, my Poodle companion, LaRue, says that the presence of a live tree indoors over-excites his bladder. And, his multiple personality disorder only makes things worse. Poor thing, he is constantly scratching on the door.

You didn't ask, but I am still at Andy Williams' theater here in Branson. I am working as a guide dog for an ageing Rockette, who still goes by the name "Crazy Legs." She can't find her way on stage without me, but once in front of an audience the old tah-rah-rah-boom kicks in. (The bottle of Merlot before show time also has a limbering effect.)

"Legs" is a favorite of the Hank Hill crowd that visits here in the winter. What with the budget rates, the all-you-can-eat buffets, and Andy's annual Christmas Extravaganza and Zoo Parade, Branson is a winter getaway. Thanks to global warming the temperatures are balmy and pleasant. So hop on a tour bus and come on down.

BTW, did I tell you that I'm a consultant to the Chamber of Commerce now. Mention my name and get a 7% discount on a grande, decaffeinated, skim-milk latte with a splash of hazelnut.

Joyeaux Noel, mon ami (LaRue taught me that), Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

I saw Attorney General Jay Nixon interviewed on MSNBC last night. He did a fine job. But could you tell him that he needs to "lose the glasses" that he is now wearing. The rimless ones that he's sporting just aren't a good idea. What do you think?

(Signed) Gracie

Dear Gracie:

My advice to the visually impaired politician is this: When on television use a seeing eye dog. They rest nicely under your chair and can get you to and from your car without the need for trendy eyewear.

I know a recent immigrant, a responsible Mexican Chihuahua with impeccable vision, who works cheap. This might be the solution.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dawg:

What are you doing to help the NOLA evacuees?

(Signed) Peter E. Sears

Dear Petey:

I keep trying to convince FEMA and the Guv to relocate the evacuees to Branson. (But let's not call them evacuees any longer;let's call them the holiday homeless, since they are being kicked out of their temporary housing just in time for Christmas.)

Here in Branson we are especially interested in the muscians, singers, cooks, and service industry workers. What better place to recreate Bourbon Street, then right her in southwest Missouri where we have earthquakes only every century or so.

This could become a real family entertainment oasis with vast economic possibilities. Think of this as a merger of the Bible Belt with Sin City. While Aunt Nelly rocks at the Gospel Sing-a-long, Uncle Ned can goggle the dancing girls at the Bourbon Street cafe. (If he can't goggle, he can google--little internet humor, there)

Be sure to sign the Bourbon Street/Branson merger petition the next time you're in the Walmart park lot. This could be really, really big.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms.Dog:

You used to write about your "relationship" with Barney, the First Dog. Have you heard anything from him recently?

(Signed)Kent Clark

Dear Supe:

Here are a few blurbs from Barney's most recent email. "Thank heavens, Cheney's around less now that he's the official Torture Czar for the War on Terror. I have never seen a man more into his work. Last week he threatened to break my hind legs, if I peed on his pant leg again. Frankly, I thought the punishment exceeded the crime. Still, I stay out of kicking range, but close enough to emit an odorous scent from time to time.

"I went with the Big Enchilada to Crawford on vacation this summer. Hated it. They put me on some damn dog diet and made me run behind the bicycle ever morning. I escaped for a few days and hung out in the ditch with Cindy, where the Tex-Mex leftovers were more appealing.

"I am on the official trip to China now, where I am being pampered by a harem of Shar-Peis. Alas, none of them compares with you, my velvet-pawed, cold-nosed, yellow-haired beauty...." Barney is such a romantic.

I told him to bring back a pair of concrete Foo Dogs for the White House, you know, those legendary guard dogs that eat evil people. What a feast they would have in Washington.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

So you've been hanging out with Judy Miller. What gives?

(Signed) W.W. Day

Dear Double Day,

Indeed, I do know Judy. I have asked her to relocate here in Branson where I can give her the moral guidance and maternal oversight that she so desperately needs.

I have also notified Scooter, Bugsy, T. Blossom, and The Vice that we are willing to provide them values therapy, as well. Perhaps Rev. Jim Bakker can help. The Rev has a place down the street where he broadcasts from a restaurant--not as grand as the good old days; nonetheless, his humble comeback is a remarkable example for others who have strayed from the "straight and narrow."

I am seeking federal funds under the Man's Best Friend Act to provide canine support for Bush administration dropouts--a program for which they may potentailly qualify. It is called Republicans Awaiting Trial and Sentencing (RATS). I urge them to apply, for the waiting list is growing.

It is good that we here in Branson can provide the moral climate and worldly distraction that is necessary for a full recovery.

(Signed) You loyal servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Doggy,

The Dems sure laid it on the Rs, snatching the Virginia and New Jersey governorships and two mayoral seats, while giving Gov. Terminator and his ballot initiatives a thumbs down. Inquiring minds yearn to know: is this a sign of a turn around in '06 and '08?

(Signed) Curt Huxley, Jr.

Dear Huck,

I will crawl out on a limb here--which I seldom do--and say that these are definitely the end times for the Rs. They will sink from the weight of their own misdeeds back into the gooey swamps of the Potomac, unsung and undone.

Let's all do our part to hasten the day.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell,

Does it bother you that there are cars named after animals--the jaguar, cougar, ram, mustang, colt, even the rabbit. But no dog names. Do you think there's a feeling that if a car has a canine name, it might be a ...ah ... how should I put it...a dog? If you know what I mean.

(Signed) Franklin Bridgewater

Dear Franky,

Considering all the good qualities that dogs bring to the world and our close relationship with mankind, I would think that calling a car a "dog" is a good thing. And, besides, we actually enjoy cars while those other animals do not.

For that reason, I call on the motor industry to consider a few classy canine labels for their '06 line. Imagine the name Brittany (perfect for an English sporting car); the Doberman (fast, sleek, and trim; the Mastiff (a brawny, sic-em style, all terrain vehicle); and the Whippet (the mini-sized, 'round-town car).

Perhaps Detroit will catch on to the market potential, but for now all we have is a bus named in our honor.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

I heard about your new show. Congratulations! It sounds like you have at last found gainful employment?

(Signed) Rachel P. Dunston

Dear Rach:

Dear Yellow:

This is kind of a political/physics question. Suppose I bite a Republican in the forest and there's no one there. If he lets out a scream, will anybody hear him?

(Signed) Your doggone friend and admirer, Toby the Terrier

Dear Toby,

Yes, but no one will come to his aid. Republicans are pretty much occupied these days with dodging bloggers, pollsters, and prosecutors. The legal beagles and sniffing bloodhounds are in hot pursuit of wrongdoers and it looks like a few might get treed this week.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms.Dog:

What do you think of the new Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers?

(Signed) Blue Moon over Branson

Dear Mooney:

She seems to be as friendly as a wet dog, but she's definitely in the bush league, if you know what I mean. As the sagacious Irish Setter on the pillow next to me just observed, "Again, the emperor has no clue."

(Signed)Your audacious tail-wagger, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow-Haired Dog:

Spence, the Guv's mouthpiece, seems hotter than a two-dollar pistol about this website. What's got him so riled up?

(Signed) Reuben Goodman

Dear Reub:

My, my, but Spence the Inept has been a bit peevish of late, hasn't he? And, all because of this little ol' bloggy doodle. His reaction brought to mind that scene in the Wizard of Oz, where Toto nips the mean Miss Gulch, who runs to Uncle Henry crying "I'm all but lame from the bite on my leg!"

Well, this gang was lame-brained long before Fired Up started nipping at their heels. Look for them to keep squealing like pigs on market day every time they get caught.

(Signed) Your tireless servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell:

I just read that the FBI has declared a war on pornography. Can we afford another costly war right now?

(Signed) Ortho Nelson, Jr.

My dear friend,

This is hardly a war. What are we talking about here, Ortho, just eight old geezers at the FBI watching porn flicks and cutting pages out of dirty books. For the good of the nation, we can only hope that when it comes to Category 5 smut, they will "know it when they see it."

Besides, it gives these G-Men a well-deserved break from chasing gangsters, terrorists, and corporate swindlers. Folks tell me that they feel safer already, what with the Pope cracking down on gay wannabee priests and now the new J. Edgar Hoover Memorial Porn Squad springing into action.

The biggest win, of course, is for Gen. Gonzo, who nails down his conservative credentials in hopes of a lifetime gig with the Supremes.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog:

I read that Gov. Jeb Bush has a "mystical warrior" friend named Chang, who he looks to for guidance. What about you? Any mystical warrior friends?

(Signed) Pete Nordstrum

Dear Petey:

When faced with a canine dilemma, I ponder, "What would Scooby Doo?" Yes, Scooby, the noble and heroic Great Dane is an inspiration as he whizzes about in his Mystery Machine, ridding the world of vampires, ghoules, and ghosts.

I'm thinking, we may need to call Scooby out of retirement to eliminate this mystical-warrior dude from Jeb's psyche. Scooby's cheaper than an exorcist and a lot better companion.

(Signed) Your friend in deed, Yellow Dog


Dear Ms. Dog:

Where do you live? I enjoy your letters and would like to send you a bag of Kibbles.

(Signed) Reginald Holloway

Dear Reggie:

How adorable and sensitive you are! Actually, I am homeless at the moment. I am hanging out here at Branson still rehearsing for the Andy Williams Christmas Extravaganza and Zoo Parade. Audiences adore me for the blog starlette that I am. They yell and throw objects onto the stage each time that I appear. I am deeply touched by the recognition.

In addition to my blossoming career as an actress, I recently registered with FEMA as a certified therapy dog with internet experience, willing to work from my home.

You may not know it, but hundreds of dogs are being confined to pounds without hydrants, trees, bones, or even chew toys. When Tom DeLay visited the other day, he patted the evacu-pups on the head and said, "Tell me the truth, boys, aren't you really having fun?" He left without the seat of his pants . . . but that's another story.

As to your question . . . I am looking to spend the winter in south Missouri with a progressive-thinking, elderly couple with a cozy fireplace, a wireless computer, and the taste for a good Mojito. Applicants must have no cats or miniature breeds in residence and should appreciate sharing themselves exclusively with a cultured and refined house companion.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell:

Being a dog yourself, what do you think of the situation on the Gulf Coast. I hear that people are being forced to evacuate and leave their pets behind.

(Signed) Leslie Henry

Dear Leslie:

I could tell that the "Big One" was on its way. We in the animal kingdom have a weather gene that forewarns us of radical climate change. I have suggested that Brownie, the FEMA head, might want to acquire a weather dog as a back up for the agency. (Brownie--what-the-hell kind of name is that, anyway, I though he was a Doberman pinscher. You just can't trust anybody these days.)

When I felt the storm in the atmosphere here at Branson, I hid under Andy Williams's bed--not much action there--except for all those longhaired-cats that crawled under there with me. It was just stifling what with all my allergies and my aversion to felines.

But I digress . . . When I read that there was no plan for getting people transferred from nursing homes, hospitals, or jails, I knew that my doggy friends in NOLA were on their own. Come to think of it, everybody was pretty much on their own. Most animals have an advantage over humans, however. Not only do we have four legs and an innate ability to swim, we require less food and sanitation.

Tell FEMA, I can house at least three more pets under Andy's bed--preferably of a refined breed without fleas or sleeping disorders. Let's all do our part.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

I am so angry at these rightwing nut jobs in my neighborhood still sporting Bush stickers on their cars. Can you hear me screaming!!!!

(Signed) W. Willett

Dear Dubya: (Nah, I won't do that to you, seeing as how you're already mad).

Cool off, Willy, Get a dog. It will save you the trouble of biting people that you don't like.

(Signed) Your humble servant Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog:

Do you think anything worthwhile will come from the special session of the legislature this fall?

(Signed) Monty Pursell

Dear Percy:

Don't waste your time on this political show. Better you should mix up a batch of Mojitos, stretch out on your futon, and enjoy some old Lawrence Welk records. If boredom strikes, bathe the cat.

The alternative is to watch a passel of Shawn Hannity clones and licentious lobbyists drop-kick Medicaid patients from the Rotunda stairway as the boy ruler squeals with delight,"Do it again, harder!"

Do not look for "Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod to report the story. Alas, it is up to us scurrilous scribe warriors to save the day. Blog on, baby! Blog on!

(Signed) Yours in the perilous work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

Give me your opinion on what's happening at "Camp Crawford" outside the president's ranchette?

(Signed) Leonard R. Morton

Dear Lenny:

The kennel club is dispatching the Helping Hounds, our crack canine unit known for their benevolence to humans. The Hounds are going to Crawford to howl and fetch, as well as to share their affectionate disposition with the weary campers.

I am in email contact with my good friend, Barney, the First Pooch, who is embedded within the Crawford compound. He tells me that things are tense behind the walls and he doesn't know how much longer they can hold out. People in the house are subsisting on cheese curls and Fox News. They fear that the Cindy Crusaders will overpower the guards, storm the north wall, block the bike path, and set fire to the remaining uncut brush.

I do hope Barney and the Hounds can find a peaceful resolution before there is further harm.

(Signed) Your intrepid canine servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

What's your take on the "dogmatic" dress code for Missouri state workers?

(Signed) Moulon Rouge

Dear Moo:

Though I personally wear a fur coat all year round, that does not prevent me from giving my view of the human attire that I have occasion to sniff.

One of the best-kept secrets in the Capital City, is that I, Yellow Dog, was the inaugural fashion advisor for the first family. I suggested that the first lady wear a touch of pink fake fur to draw attention from her drably-dressed hubby. Sadly, she only took part of my advice and, thus, suffered the fashion consequences.

But I digress; you asked about the state fashion police. As in politics, extremes are to be avoided. Men should refrain from dressing like John the Baptist or Michael Jackson and women should stay away from either the Madonna or June Cleaver look. Think of it as traveling on a four-lane highway. You don't want to go over the speed limit, but you shouldn't be caught dawdling either.

For more fashion tips, you can catch me in Branson, backstage at the Andy Williams Theater, where I'm rehearsing for a part in the Christmas extravaganza.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

In view of all the terrorism activity, where do you think it would be safe to vacation during the Dog Days of summer?

(Signed): Benny L.Thompson II

Dear BLT-2:

Try the beach. When people are walking around half-naked, they have other thoughts on their minds besides exploding bombs. The only seashore disturbances I have heard reported are occasional tsunamis, shark-sightings, or fraternity revelry. Pack your Speedos, your sunscreen--and for laughs--Rick Santorum's new book.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

PS: In the event you need companionship, I will be delighted to accompany you along with my new friend, Chopper, a handsome Blue Tick Coon dog. Chopper is the perfect beach hound, having been college trained to fetch and open beer bottles and retrieve overthrown Frisbees.

Dear Yellow Dog:

I understand that you and Barney, the First-Pooch, are very close? Does he share any inside information with you?

(Signed): Burton Rushmore

Dear Rush:

Yes, Barney and I are quite close. We met some years ago over a fine Thuringer sausage and a bowl of osso bucco. Though Barney enjoys fine cuisine more often than I, his life in the spotlight is perilous. He is often blinded by flashbulbs, stepped upon by over-zealous security guards, and not allowed to poop on the White House lawn.

This is Top Secret--so, please, no leaks:Barney dislikes Karl Rove more than he does the vacuum cleaner! Barney also told me that he has bitten several war-mongering Republicans recently. Says they taste just like chicken.

(Signed) Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Hello Yellow Dawg:

Does it seem to you that Muscle and Fitness and Flex magazines are just a $5-million funnel from the health supplement industry to Gov. Schwarzenegger in hopes of keeping the regulations of their industry to a minimum?

(Signed) Ms. L.L. Marcelus

Dear Marcie:

My dear, don't you know that it's those triflin' welfare queens, deadbeat-student-loan dodgers, Canadian-prescription-drug shoppers, and their ilk who are bringing our country down. It's not respectable 'bidness' men like Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who doesn't even accept his governor's salary. People of his party, persuasion, fame, and fortune do not take advantage of others--at least, not in a way that it shows.

So what's the problem here? Health supplement advertisers spend mega-bucks to reach consumers by way of muscle-building magazines, while the "Governator" scrapes off a percentage of the take, making it unlikely that he'll weigh in on regulating the industry. By outsourcing the governorship, California gets to keep their paltry $175,000 state salary while Arni gets a real executive income for writing a magazine column. A win situation for everybody. How creative!

Just thinking of such intense back scratching makes my tongue water and my tale wag in circles.

(Signed) Your friend, Yellow Dog

Good Morning Yellow,

Give me your take on the Supreme Court?

(Signed) Gaston Smith

Dear Gas:

I don't know about those Supremes . . . I figure anybody wearing a robe from their ankles to their Adam's apple has something to hide.

But they can't hide from us canines. One of the best-kept secrets in Dogtown is that we have x-ray vision. Yep, we can see plumb through human beings. That's how we know who to bite, beg, or barf on.

I examined the Supremes real good. They may look the same on the outside with their heavy, black robes, but their underpinnings are quite different. For instance, when it comes to wearing black, O'Connor goes too far--it's all black Victoria Secret lingerie right down to the spiffy $38 Hipster.

And, Thomas--that trendy rascal--chooses a Speedo tiger-stripped thong to compliment his wardrobe. Ginsberg, ever the lady, goes for lace, 100% Belgian lace throughout, with a little puff of it showing at the neckline. Not surprising, Rehnquist wears a hospital gown and Scalia squirms in a camel's hair loincloth.

Now, I don't mind Souter wearing well-pressed Fruit of the Loom with the day Tuesday embroidered on the leg, but it being Thursday at the time, I thought it in poor taste.

If there's anybody else you want to "see through," give me a whistle. As to who should be placed on the Court . . . well, anybody who can stand to wear black everyday, has some cool underdrawers, and doesn't step on my tail, will do just fine.

(Signed) Ever yours, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

Karl Rove said that he "never knowingly disclosed classified information?" Do you think his statement is just another one of those, "It depends on what the meaning of is, is," that we've heard before?

(Signed) Carmen Whitlock

My Dear Ms. Whitlock:

"Well, throw him a biscuit," as my grandpappy used to say when we pups did our tricks well. Now, here in Doggyland when there's a wrong doing, the perpetrator slinks around with his tail between his legs or barks frantically like the house is on fire, thereby, hoping to cause a distraction.

Knowing the Red Rover, I'd say he'd opt for the bark-distraction technique that has served him well in recent years. This guy's in the dog house big time and the press is giving him a soft, tummy rub instead of a swift kick in the butt.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

The Downing Street Memo says that the "intelligence and facts were being fixed" around the policy of removing Saddam. Some say it depends on what the meaning of the word "fixed" is. What does it mean to you?

(Signed): Anthony Tymes

Dear Tony,

I looked up the word "fixed" in my veterinarian manual and it means to alter dramatically. An alley cat friend of mine, who habitually stayed out on the town late each night, tell me that he was "fixed" a while back. He still goes out nights, but only as a consultant.

Now that they can fix cats, elections, prizefights, horse races, and intelligence data, next thing you know they'll be fixing Social Security.

(Signed): Your obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

Why is there never talk about the stealing of Social Security money over the years by Congress? If Congress paid back what they have stolen, there would never be a money problem.

(Signed): Charlotte Hill

Dear C.Hill:

Just like an absent-minded Jack Russell does with bones, the Congress has been burying IOU's for the Social Security fund for years and then forgetting where they put 'em. Frankly, I don't know how to get Congress to stop diggin', and hidin' and fogettin'. But we sure don't want to give the president the chance to shovel what's left into private accounts.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

[Yellow Dog receives more letters on "recall" than a GM Tire Center and, thus, will address the topic en toto.]

Dear Recall Fans:

Up until the time of Gray Davis, most people thought recall was what you did when the line was busy. No more. Petition-bearers are springing up all over the nation. True, our Guv will never get the Blue Ribbon for Best of Show, but I'm hoping with some guidance, he will catch on to this guvmint thingy.

I am tutoring him with well-known doggy success rules that every pup learns from the git-go. First: "Look cute when misbehaving,"(he still has difficulty with this, but is getting a lot of practice recently).

Second: "When happpy, dance around and wag your entire body,"(pity the man, he couldn't even do this at his own inaugural ball). And, third--and my Bassett friend's favorite--"When all else fails, look pathetic." The Guv's got this one down perfect! One out of three, ain't bad. Give me a little longer to work with him.

In the meanwhile, you might want to get together with Osgoody, (previous letter), for the Revolution Rumble under the bridge in River City this summer.

(Signed): Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

My dearest Yellow Dog:

It seems the constituents of the 94th and 150th state House districts continue without representation in the State House, yet continue to pay state taxes. How can Matt Blunt continue to neglect his constitutional duty to call for special elections to fill these House seats? It makes me want to "turn the dogs loose." What do you say?

(Signed) Your loyal friend, jgosgood

Hi Ho, fellow Scribe-Warrior!

"Taxation without representation!" you say. Them's fighting words in the US of A. I think it's time we have another Tea Party in the harbour. Why not, it worked once. I'll round up the kennel club to race through every village and hamlet, spreading the word. Osgoody, you fire up the cannon on the Capitol lawn, and by gosh, we'll give'em a good lickin'. We'll teach 'em not to mess with us Scribe-Warriors.

Unite! We have nothing to lose but our keyboards!

(Signed)Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

I noticed that the Guv is "playing ball" with the big-money lobbyists in Boston this weekend, hanging out in the $50,000-package seats. Did you ever have a seat like that at a baseball game?

(Signed) Horace Mattson

Dear Horace:

I wandered into Busch Stadium once, under the turnstile. Unlike most ordinary parks, this one was not canine friendly--so many legs to dodge and not a single tree or fire hydrant in sight. I followed the sign to Bleacher seats, which I mistook for "Beacher" seats because of the scanty dress and spirited nature of the crowd.

When I saw a woman jump up and holler, "Hot Dog, here!" I ran up and sat down by her. The next thing I know, she was whacking me over the head with a rolled up program. But some nice guy came to my rescue, offering me a bucket of something called "Co'beer." After that, I stretched out and slept through the rest of the game. I'm sure the Guv will have a better reception in the 50K section.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog:

Do you feel any camaraderie with Ann Coulter, seeing as how you are both outrageous and yellow-haired?

(Signed) Maggie Burnheart

Dear Meg:

As a token of our admiration for the yellow-haired huzzy, (a term I use with all due respect), my social club, "Itches of the Ozarks," has invited Ms. Coulter to be the guest speaker at our annual convention here in Branson. We also want her to present the awards to the winners of our Flea, Car, and Tail Chase competition. I know it's an honor she will be unable to resist. To tempt her further, I threw in two tickets to the Andy Williams Show.

(Signed) Your noble servant, Yellow Dog

Hi Yellow D.

Any thoughts on how we capture Osama bin laden now that the CIA thinks they know his whereabouts?

(Signed) Watson Moore

Dear Wat:

As I have been saying for months now: send in the dogs. We can rout him out in no time. If canines can find moles and other ground-burrowing animals, we can find him, too. I sent the CIA my proposal. Get Skidmore, my St. Bernard friend, to go into the hills of Pakistan with a keg of Bacardi mohitos around his neck, a saddlebag filled with Club Gitmo brochures and videotapes, and he'll come running out of those caves faster than you can say Donald Rumsfeld.

How could Osama resist being on those sandy Cuban beaches, among like-minded friends, kicking a soccer ball around the courtyard. And besides, at Gitmo there is nothing to worry about at the end of the day, except a few sore muscles from over-extension.

(Signed) As ever, Yellow Dog

I enjoy your sometimes salty and salacious responses, but what do you see as your mission in the blogosphere?

(Signed) Hoozier Daddy

Dear Hooz: I'm a canine scribe-warrior, rooting out wrong doing and banishing gloom by inserting a little whimsey onto the politcal scene. BTW, I love your handle. Come back, my man.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog


Dear Yell:

Have you been following this Tom DeLay scandal? All I can think of is that old song, "I was a big man yesterday but, boy, you ought to see me now." Any comments?

(Signed): R.T.Dukker
Dear Duke:

Oh,"how the mighty are fallen!" If you will permit me a pithy observation, as we say here in the K-9 world, "Some days your're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant."

(Signed): Your noble friend, Yellow Dog

Someone on this site was advertising a protest rally. Do you ever appear at rallies?

(Signed) Just Asking

Dear Justin:

I love a good rip-roaring rally. It brings out the mutt in all of us. But, alas, I had an appointment with my pedicurist that day. Here in Branson, where I hang out most of the time, everybody's a litle too laid back for such things. There's not much protesting going on, unless you count last winter when a bus load of tourists nearly mutinied when their driver got lost and they missed the first half of the Andy Williams Christmas Spectacular and Zoo Parade.

Besides, people here all agree on politics, religion, food, fashion, and music. There's nothing to fuss about--though, there was some mild disagreement on where to put the proposed fifty-foot neon welcoming sign that reads:"Branson, the Home of Harmony."

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

I read that there will be military base closings all across the country. What are we going to do with all those "left behind" communities?

(Signed) Stassen Rockwood

Dear Stassy:

I note your environmental, aesthetic, and economic sensitivity to this issue. You wonder if bases will dot our landscape like abandoned K-Marts? I don't know, but I did hear a rumor from my friend, Seymour, a Germany shepherd, who was a terrorist sniffer until he accidentally peed on the AG's leg during an airport check and got a "Bad Doggie Discharge."

Well, according to Seymour, who has never led me astray, (well, not often, at least, but that's another story), the closed bases may become terrorist detention camps. How novel! Think of the high-paying job opportunities. Seymour has already applied for re-instatement.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

It is great that someone else recognizes the need to stay loyal by making sure people know that you stick with your Democratic roots and beliefs. The name "Yellow Dog" tell it all. That is what is behind my name "Old Yeller." It is short for Old Yellow Dog.

(Signed): Loyal Reader, "Old Yeller"

Dear Loy,

When I got your message, I was sniffing around the state capitol, doing a little leg work for Wally, our Watch Dog--he can be such a dawdler at time, especially when there's lots of shrubbery to water--if you know what I mean.

But, please forgive me, I digress. After reading your note, I was so ecstatic, that I burst forth with a lyrical yowl:
"Dear, ole yeller,
You're my kinda feller.
Won't you come over and play?"
Of, course, I got beaned with a used printer cartridge thrown from a second-floor window, which only shows that freedom of speech ain't what it used to be around here.

(Signed): Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Tell me, are you a hunter?

(Signed) Dakota Holmstead

Dear Dakota:

I most certainly am. I am a mushroom hunter. But before you think of wandering into the woods, I warn you that mushroom hunting is a highly dangerous sport, requiring great skill and perspicacity. One mistake and you're a goner.

I am a lifetime member of the National Mushroom Hunters Association and will be glad for you to join us on our spring safari next year. For even more adventure, we sometimes stalk the wild asparagus.

(Signed): As always, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

If you will forgive the play on words, this site is literally "going to the dogs." In addition to your Q&A, there is now the Watch Dog on the other side of the page. Do you feel the competition?

(Signed) Tim Quisenberry

Dear Quiz:

I met the mysterious, bespectacled Watch Dog recently at the Fire Plug, a local Kibbles bar. Ever alert to promising talent, I was immediately attracted by his sophistication and perspicacity.

"Wally"--as close friends call him--is renown for being able to corner wrong-doers and give them the hind leg treatment they deserve.

And, what an eye he has! After a few bowls of Kibbles, he called me "his yellow-haired beauty." What rare discernment.

You will notice that I am well positioned on the front page to keep an eye on him. Stay tuned.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Doggie,

Give me you take on the Katy Trail brouhaha.

(Signed) Fred Dante

Dear Freddy:

I get some of my most robust ideas while ambling along the Katy Trail. I also chase a few rabbits and tree a couple of squirrels just for the exercise. It's a great place to relax and learn about Mother Nature and human nature, as well. Where else can I drool on total strangers who speak pleasantly to me, compliment my coat or disposition, and often share the last bite of their sandwich with me.

I wish the Governor would come walk on the trail. He needs to get out of that stuffy, Victorian Mansion, away from panic buttons, fawning lobbyists, greedy siblings,and hovering security guards and find out what real people think and feel.

I would be happy to escort him to Hartburg in exchange for a bowl of Kibbles.

(Signed) You obedient servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

Seeing as how it's Mother's Day, who would you pick as your favorite TV Mom?

(Signed) Norm Piggman

Dear Mr. Piggman:

This is not a hard one. It has to be Marge Simpson who nutures Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, as well as hubby Homer. Marge skillfully navigates motherhood all the while she's wearing bulky beads and supporting a blue, Marie Antoinette hairdo. Kudos to Marge for being the June Cleaver of the new century. You can't help but love a mother who gives such heartwarming advice as, "Let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream." That's my kind of Mom!

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

Hi Yellow Dog:

Where I come from the Baptists are as thick as fleas on a dog's back--please forgive the analogy. Still, in my opinion, there's no better folk on earth . . . except when they get led astray by some sanctimonious Bible-thumper who is long on Leviticus and short on Luke. Now some dopey preacher at the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has made all the Democrats leave the church. What do you think?

(Signed) Carson Newheart

Dear Carson:

I suspect God left that church some time ago. So why would anyone want to stay?

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Did you catch that standup comedy routine by First Lady Laura Bush the other night? Talk about coming out of the closet!!!!

(Signed) Butler Harris

Dear Butt:

It was such a comfort to know that Library Lady could hold her own in a knee-slapping exchange with the raunchiest of Texans. These are "real folk," as we say here in the Ozarks, and not just plastic icons of moral virtue. Thank heavens, they are able to throw off the pious pretense and just be themselves.

Her husband's peccadilloes are hardly news to those who watch him kiss every baldheaded man he meets, walk hand-in-hand with an oil dictator, and reminisce about Splash Day, the milk-a-horse joke did raise a few eyebrows.

But my White House insider, Red Rover, tells me not to worry. The whole thing was staged to further anesthetize the liberal media. Surely not . . .

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

Hi there, Yellow:

I've been reading about Rep. Cynthia (or is it really Sinthia?) Davis, the Republican legislator. What's with her having personal taxes paid by her campaign committee? Surely, she can't be that stupid.

(Signed) April Mae Wallace

Dear Ap:

As to the Hon. Sinthia Davis--and we know she is an honorable woman for she has been elected to an honorable position.

Her minimalist approach to government would assure that all our highways are paved with pea gravel, our schools beyond the 8th grade reserved for only those with the most promising test scores, and that our sick, elderly, and disabled go it on their own. Follow her, and BINGO, the budget is balanced! Now, wasn't that easy? What's all the fuss about anyway?

You have to hand it to ole Sinthia, though. She really practices what she believes--and what she believes is plum scary. To her, tax paying is unethical, burdensome, and ludicrous, seeing as how "welfare queens" are driving Cadillacs and having surgery on their lunch hour just for the fun of it.

Sadly, she is afflicted with an ancient ailment called LOPNOME (Let Others Pay, Not Me)--a degnerative disease that causes a vision problem, as well as a hardening of the heart and crippling of the spirit. It's so sad. The best treatment is isolation, so she is unable to inflict her disease on others.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

The other dog at our house, Mr. Woo, is much bigger than me and hassles me sometimes. How do I convince the humans at our house that I need panic buttons installed?

(Signed) Little Eddie
P.S. Mr Woo also tell me that when Bill Clinton was President, all the dogs had bones and there were plenty of bones for everyone, even the little dogs. I'm only three, so I don't remember Bill Clinton. Is this true or is he making up stories?

Dear Little Ed:

Listen carefully . . . Run--do not walk--to your nearest therapist! Anyone your age who needs panic buttons installed has mental health issues. I do hope you have medical coverage. Stay in touch.

Now, as to your postscript. You will discover, Little Ed, as you mature that there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who pat you on the head and those who kick you in the butt. The head-patters will even throw you an occasional bone, but the butt-kickers will hide your bone or give it to the Great Dane next door. Fortunately, we in the canine world figure this out faster than humans.

(Signed) Your bone-afid servant, Yellow Dog

My dear Ms. Dog:

I am a fan of Joyce Meyer's, the tele-evangelist, and want to know your thoughts about her and how they differ from the bloggers on this site? Are you just another ditto head?

(Signed): Mary Ann Magdelyn

Dear M&M:

I will address your question despite your naive insinuation. I would have you to know that my female, canine club--"Itches of the Ozarks"--named me Howler of the Year as a tribute to my independence. In our recent conclave in Poplar Bluff, we voted to make the Reverend Myers an honorary member. I know she will be both surprised and pleased by her selection. Our motto is: If you've got it, flaunt it. You tell Joycie to keep givin'em hell and her listeners will keep givin' her $$$!! On another matter, would you please ask the Rev to adjust her microphones. The pitch of her voice sets off my tracking collar, causing a shrill sound in my ears.

(Signed) Ever of service, Yellow Dog

P.S. Tell Joyce if she needs another lapdog, I'm available and would be much more obedient and require far smaller housing than her live-in children.

What do you think of the internet ZabaSearch that reveals personal information about everybody? And, do you have anything to hide?

(Signed) T-Bone Taylor

Dear T.T.

As you have noticed, I stay on the cutting edge of technology. In fact, I wear a tracking collar that is attractively set with rhinestones--my favorite gem. These FiredUp bloggers say that my "neck bracelet" is necessary to alert me to any emergency questions that come in. But come to think of it, they seem to know an awful lot about my social life and habits. Hmmm . . .

I suspect that Walmart will someday embed a tracking and marketing devise in all newborns--free of charge, of course--so the mega-market can better serve our needs. Just think of ZabaSearch as a preview of things to come.

Do I have anything to hide, you ask? Only an occasional bone.

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog.

Dear YD:

I'm confused. I thought I was living in a world where people took care of each other and accepted responsibility for being good citizens. I don't understand how those who represent us can continue to attack those least able to defend themselves--the elderly, children, and indigent. How do we all get together to "raise our hind legs" collectively on this group of "evil doers" who control our future?

(Signed) Yellow Pup in Training

Dear Puppy:

First, please forgive me for abbreviating your letter to fit the space. I will be brief and indelicate. "Raise our hind legs," you say? We can do better than that. Let's all raise hell.

(Signed) You Affectionate Servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog:

This question is probably a hot potato, but I know it has been on people's minds: Do you think the flag being flown at half-mast was really in honor of the Pope or merely another political move to up the administration's approval ratings? How should the separation of church and state apply here.

(Signed) Cybil Disobedience

Cybil, Cybil, Cybil . . .

You are barking up the wrong tree here--or in this case flag pole--reading far too much into this traditional show of respect for a deceased head of state or other notables. As to the separation of church and state, in my humble view, it does not apply in this instance at all. There are some serious wrongs to correct in our society, my dear, but flag-flying for the deceased is not one of them.

(Signed)As always, Yellow Dog

What do you think of the outcome of the Special Election?

(Signed) Radically Blue

Dear Rad:

I was so elated by the Barnitz victory in the 16th senatorial district. I ran around the yard, barking, "Frank, Frank, you did it!" Now the race in Jefferson County was, as we say, a dog of another color. Let me repeat the first rule I learned in puppy politics. "Thou shalt not run two Democrats against one Republican, for thou will loseth." Each Jeff County Democrat should get a 3x5-card and attach it to his bathroom mirror that reads: "It's unity, stupid."

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog,

Speaking of dogs, what happened to the former First Dog, Governor Carnahan's Newfoundland, Beau?

(Signed) An Admirer

Dear A.A.

Beaumont, as he was affectionately called, spent seven happy years entertaining children who visited the Governor's Mansion. He died in 2000, was cremated, and buried beside the stone wall on the side lawn of the Mansion, joining hamsters, kittens, and parakeets and other First Family pets interred there over the years.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant,Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

Missouri is often referred to as a bellwether state. What does that mean?

(Signed) Inquiring Mind

Dear I. Mind:

It means that as Missouri goes, so goes the nation. The word originally described the male sheep, or wether, who led the flock often wearing a bell. Missouri comes by the bellwether distinction, having picked the winner in all but one presidential election in the last century. The Show-Me state broke ranks with the nation in 1956, selecting Adlai Stevenson over Dwight Eiswenhower.

Some political pundits, however, suggest that Missouri could more appropriately be called a weathervane state today, one that indicates what has already become accepted and mainstream elsewhere.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog:

When was the last change made to the minimum wage?

(Signed) Minerva Leapheart

Dear Minnie:

That was back in 1997, when the minimum wage was boosted to $5.15 an hour. A vote to increase it by $2.10 over the next 26 months was recently voted down in Congress. Since the beginning of the minimum wage in 1938, there have been twelve presidents--six Democrats, six Republicans. Dems have made 14 changes to the minimum wage, while the GOP made 6. It appears that Dubya will follow Reagan's lead in disallowing any increase during his term of office.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

I keep reading about the Republicans spending a trillion here and a trillion there. Just how much is a trillion dollars?

(Signed) A Worried Democrat

Dear Worried Dem:

It's hard for most folks to understand such large sums, even those in Washington. But a trillion dollars is a one with twelve zeroes. If you spent one dollar a second, it would take 31,700 years to spend a trillion dollars. The Bush administration has squandered a 5.6 trillion dollar surplus and we now face a half trillion-dollar deficit . . and counting.

(Signed) You willing servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow Dog:

I've often wondered why a voter has to declare a party affiliation when voting in a Missouri primary, but not in the general election. Why is that?

(Signed) Simone B.

Dear Si:

In a primary, you are technically voting to choose the nominee of each party for the general election, thus you have to state a party preference. However, in the general election, you are free to pick and choose among the parties for your candidates.

(Signed) Most cordially, Yellow Dog

Dear Doggie:

Okay, I just had to ask this. What's the significance of a "yellow dog" in politics?"

(Signed) Morton K. Ambush

My Dear Mr. Ambush:

The Yellow Dog resents the familiar and demeaning nature of your salutation. Nonetheless, I will address your question. The term became popular during the 1928 election when southern Democrats were reluctant to support Al Smith for President, but voted for him out of loyalty to their party, causing some to say they would "rather vote for a yellow dog than a Republican." It is meant as a compliment for one who is a staunch believer in his/her ideals--as I, most certainly, am.

(Signed) Proudly, Yellow Dog